after hours

this night is winding down but
time means nothing,
as always at this hour
time means nothing,
one final final round cos
time means nothing,
say that you’ll stay
say that you’ll stay
say that you’ll stay.

we’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
we’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
we’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
(time means nothing)
we’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
(time means nothing)

we are scientists – after hours

sun’s coming up. i haven’t been able to go to sleep before 3 lately. it is very unlike me. usually i am passed out by 11. been watching a lot of movies late at night in my bed trying to fall asleep to the sounds. it works sometimes but usually it is just a way to pass the time. i think i need to get out of my head. i don’t know where i would go though. it helps to listen to music. i’m not the best at expressing myself and i think music is my way of processing things and feeling things and addressing things like it is for so many people. i envy musicians and writers. people who can put it out there for everyone, i envy that. i miss him. i don’t think he really misses me that much, it’s not like he has tried to get in touch with me. and why should he, nothing really ever happened, and when somethign could have i think i ruined any chance of it happening again. maybe it’s just not the right time, maybe it never will be. i’d like to find out either way. i feel lost though. not just with that situation but with everything. i guess that is what every recent graduate feels like, but i almost feel like i don’t belong. like i never will. where do i go? what do i do when i get there? it doesn’t have ot be for life. i don’t need to find a place to settle on. i just need a place for now, for this stage. i just don’t have the energy. i push it down and i let it simmer and i get overwhelmed and push it all down more. am i okay with being cat lady? i don’t know. i am comfortable with being cat lady, but i’m not sure i am okay with it. the rain storm was comforting tonight. i like hearing rain fall on windows when. watching it fall and the wind blow and the skies light up. tucked under covers and drinking hot tea. i like that. i like being enveloped. cuddled. protected. maybe once i get into a new groove things will settle down and the dust will clear and i’ll know where to go next. i like my premonissions, they comfort me. make me feel like i have made the right choices. they may actually be warnings that i am doing things horribly wrong, but i’ll stick with the thought that it’s the universes way of telling me to just keep chugging along, it will all work itself out eventually. it’s just been a lot lately. school. work. no work. money. cats. car. graduating. not graduating. moving. reunion. new faces. old faces. not enough of the same faces. i feel so unprepared, yet i have done so much to get here. i think i gave up half way through though. i feel like i gave up a long time ago. that scares me. can i ever get it back? do i want it back? i think i am ready for the next stage and to see what it brings me and what i can maybe bring myself. for now i will miss the green of nh. i need someplace where i can see the seasons change and life moving on and time going by. i can’t get that from the ocean. it just seems to endless. i don’t want endless, i want definite. things die, but then they get reborn. they change and grow. i don’t want to be stuck in a never ending sea. even if it is the perfect sea, it can’t stay perfect forever and i want something, somewhere, someone that will grow and change with me and be my new perfect. i don’t want to be stuck anymore. i don’t want to be lost. i don’t want to be forgotten. back to some music…